B&A, Fun, and fat-free time wastage

Badass Babes of History & Legend
don’t bring an angry woman to a cannon fight

Goodness, gracious, great balls of iron!

Agustina de Aragón

HELPER TURNED HEROINE

Excerpt from Badass of the Week:

The beautiful Northern Spanish city of Saragossa had enjoyed over seven hundred years of peace, love and hippie tree-hugger prosperity stretching from the time of El Cid up until the fateful year 1808, when her walls were threatened by the marauding armies of Napoleon Bonaparte’s ever-expanding French Empire. Napoleon, perhaps suffering from the psychiatric complex that bears his name, had this crazy hard-on to conquer all of Europe (probably just to be a total dickhead to everyone), and one of his primary goals was to force all of Spain and Portugal under whichever one of his little thumbs wasn’t currently shoved inside his coat pocket.

[read the complete Badass of the Week article]

Excerpt from Wikipedia entry:

Agustina Raimunda María Saragossa Doménech, or Agustina de Aragón, (March 4, 1786 – May 29, 1857) was a famous Spanish heroine who defended Spain during the Spanish War of Independence, first as a civilian and later as a professional officer in the Spanish Army. Known as “the Spanish Joan of Arc,”she has been the subject of much folklore, mythology, and artwork, including sketches by Francisco de Goya and the poetry of Lord Byron.

[read the complete Wikipedia entry]

cinema
stuff I’ve watched lately

Million Dollar Baby (2004)
OMGWTFSOSADBBQTHEBLUEBEAR! This was a very good but very sad movie.

Tropic Thunder (2008)
This is one of those movies where I heard so much about the movie I felt like I had already seen all the memorable scenes and heard all the wittiest catchphrases. That being said, I watched it anyways and I was very pleasantly surprised because the context of all the hilarious catchphrases were not at all what I thought they would be. Tom Cruise is AWESOME in this movie — especially his dancing. Stereotypes, slapstick, and over-the-top acting make it great. I equate it with Zoolander (2001), another Ben Stiller film that is one of my favorites and spoofs the modeling industry the same way Tropic Thunder spoofs action movies.

White Noise (2005) Yawn. Predictable, with some occasional jumpy moments. The three “shadow men” (see picture at left) did a very good job of creeping me out and they appeared at all the right moments, all the way up to the end. There’s one GREAT scene where it’s implied they come out of the screen, but you don’t actually see it happen. It reminded me a bit of earlier psychological thriller The Ring (2002) where scary things come out of the television. In any case, give the shadow-wrangler-creator dude a raise!

300 (2007)
Meh. According to Wikipedia, “The film was shot mostly with a super-imposition chroma key technique, to help replicate the imagery of the original comic book.” While the blending of animation and live-action allows for interesting visual effects (flying body parts and blood spatter in delicious slow-motion), I never shook the feeling that I was watching a video game. In fact, there was very little difference between the advertisement for the upcoming video game based on the movie and the movie itself. The movie’s storyline is stretched a bit — it’s historical fiction at its bloodiest, arm-choppingest, face-piercingest, crazy giant mutantest, testosterone-overloaded finest. The subplot involving Queen Gorgo was unnecessary. This is a movie about war, dude, leave the freaking detailed court intrigues out of it. You can send a memo and keep the dramatic re-enactment to yourself. Overall, not a bad war cartoon but Gerard Butler is annoying, as is the fact that every Spartan has identical airbrushed abs and leather speedos.

The Matrix (1999)
Great movie about humans jacked into a virtual reality world to keep our minds busy while we float around in pink jello and our body heat and bio electricity are harvested by giant metal roaches. Neo (Keanu Reeves) is the One, the prophesied messiah who will release us all from our gelatinous prisons.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
This sequel feature everybody kung-fu fighting, Agent Smiths, and the occasional discussion of free will. A little confusing, slow, and predictable at times, but not bad. I had to watch the scene with The Architect several times over to grasp the concepts regarding humans and choice he so eloquently discussed with Neo. I’m glad I watched this at home and not in the theater since I can’t rewind the silver screen. The Architect reminds me of what Colonel Sanders would look like if he were British and not an American dealer of deep-fried chicken parts.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
This is the conclusion of the series and once again, I was glad I had the option to replay several scenes. The dialogue and plot are predictable to the point of being cheesy at times. In the end, this conclusion doesn’t actually conclude anything. Neo supposedly dies in his epic battle with Uber Agent Smith but the last bits of dialogue in the movie imply that he may not be dead. However, this film received pretty dismal ratings so I don’t think they’ll be making The Matrix Resurrected any time soon.

the last few ways to get kicked out of Walmart
test these reasons at your own risk, I’m not responsible for your results…

It’s been pointed out to me that some of the reasons in the last two installments were “lame”. I agree. In an effort at quality control, I’ve only included the ones I think are interesting enough to merit an iota of attention for today’s post.

223. Sing “Mary Had A Little Lamb” as loud as you can in the music section, then smile and say “Well, it’s the music section so I thought you might like some live music.” Then sing it again.

224. Run around with underwear on your head, screaming, “I am Captain Underpants!”

225. Follow a male security dude and ask him where the “feminine needs” are.

226. Go to the toy isle, set up the GI joe figures and yell, “Then it’s WAR!!!”

231. Scream, “GET OUT OF MY YARD!” to everyone who walks by you.

232. Announce that there’s a huge sale at Target

234. Test drive lawn mowers

240. Hide in a pile of plushies and then jump out at people who walk by

241. Act like an old lady and scream, “AH! I broke my back! This wouldn’t happen at Target!”

243. Take a marker to all the happy faces. Then change the prices. That will start an uproar

244. When a clerk stops you and asks your name read their name of their id card. When they say it’s not your name scream, “IDENTITY THEFT!!!”

247. Ride on the back of the carts. (they hate it when you do that) Run into other carts yelling like a maniac.

249. Pretend like you’re a person who works there and walk around saying, “Can I help you find anything?”

251. Pretend like you’re blind and can’t find what your looking for. Go up to random people and ask, “Will you help me find some cat food for Fluffy?”

253. Run around with a bowl of cheerios yelling, “It lowered my cholesterol!”

256. Start a food fight

260. Go up to random people and hug them while putting a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the back of their shirt

261. Hide in dark places with a golden ring. when people walk by, jump out at them hissing, “We wants it! You cants have it!” Then gently whisper, “it will be alright my precious”

263. Go to the food section, take all of the boxed items out, and stack them up to make a fort. Glue can help. And creating a ‘distraction’ elsewhere for the employees to handle while you work does too…

264. Drop a pen and let someone else go and pick it up for you. When they do try to pick it up yell to them, “HEY THATS MY PEN THEIF!”

267. Write on the floors

268. Pull all the clothes off the racks into a pile on the floor and hide under it, and when someone tries to pick the clothes up, leap out cackling madly and run down the aisles, still cackling.

273. Pretend to be a rabid dog and run around growling at people. Then if someone tries to stop you, bite them.

274. Lie on the floor. Just lie there. It is guaranteed to freak people out. Either pretend to be asleep, or to have passed out.

275. Take toys and put them on the floor and take a cart. Start running over the toys screaming, “Monster Truck Mania!!!”

278. Grab a bowl, spoon, milk, and cereal. Eat it right there and tell them you’ll pay when your done.

279. Stand on the conveyer belt when your checking out and walk like its a treadmill… then ask for a speed increase

281. Follow a stranger around and mimic them. Continue doing this for a long period of time.

282. If you are in Target, say there is a code yellow

288. Announce a sock-sliding contest and take off your shoes and start sliding. It’s actually really fun…

289. Go up to a employee ask for a application and where it says goals write down ‘to take over Wal-Mart’ and turn it in

292. Hide in the clothes so when someone comes to look you yell, “PICK ME!”

293. Request that an employee find you an imaginary product, then keep saying: “I know it’s here somewhere, just keep looking!” Eventually the employee will run out of patience, so then you say: “You’ve been punked!” And run out screaming and laughing. (Maybe you won’t get kicked out, but you’ll freak an employee out…)

294. Print out a bunch of advertisements for Target, Marshalls, etc… Then calmly go around taping/gluing/stapling them to products, people, and walls. It helps to have a WHOLE lot of them.

295. Move things around. (Put frozen food in with the barbies, etc…)

297. Point at an old man and yell, “LOOK EVERYONE! IT’S BRITNEY SPEARS!”

298. Put a ski mask on and wear a black cape with black clothes and a fake sword and yell, “Zoro has returned!”

299. Dress up as an old lady and whack people with your purse and when employees come to stop you, pretend to faint

300. Go to Wal-Mart at 2:00 in the morning and do cartwheels around the store screaming, “I’m pregnant!”

301. Put on a long wig and claim to be Pocahontas

304. Bring in scissors and glue. If anyone asks, tell them you are fulfilling your dream of giving Wal Mart a Make Over.

306. Go to the dairy section and protest against milking cows. Say things like, “What if the cows aren’t ok with us milking them? Cows have rights too!”

307. Redecorate the Rollback Smiley Face so he is green with neon pink eyes.

308. Go up to the manager and ask where the nearest K-Mart is.

309. If you see a couple holding hands, run through their hands and scream, “RED ROVER!”

310. Grab a gnome, then hide in a clothes rack and when someone picks out a shirt or whatever jump out and yell “The gnome did it! The gnome did it!” Then throw the gnome and run.

311. Put up free sample signs all over the store and watch people leave with their “free samples.”

313. In Walmart, they give out free stickers. Take them and decorate your body with them.

314. Get a bunch of your friends, about 10 or more, and go up to a lady who looks like she’s in her 20′s. When there are lots of people around, ask, “Mommy? Can we have some ice cream?”

320. Melt chocolate, then scream, “Free face masks!”

324. Run around the store five times, and when you are done, scream, “I WIN!” and do a victory dance

325. Let a collie lose in the store, then scream, “Lassie, come home!”

331. Put a squirt gun in a stuffed elmo’s hand and scream, “Everybody down!! Elmo’s got a gun!”

332. Drive around in a kiddie car singing the batman theme song.

MORE miniature trick shots on a tiny table
by the same awesome dude who made the last one

and finally another question for you
if you had to choose only one, would you choose

C A K E		P I E
	or

in other news of the world
there will be a pool-related post later this week

when my workload hopefully eases up a bit