rules of engagement part deux

 

interesting articles & websites
to help you get past the middle of the week

how to catch an iPhone thief
The ridiculously AWESOME saga of a man determined to get his iPhone back.
I learned lots of new things today…

Now, I like using google to find information on people, but I never really dive in too deep. By stealing my phone, Pinche gave me the moral greenlight to stalk the s— out of him and take away any sense of privacy he has for the rest of his life. I really couldn’t get law-enforcement to help (they said that unless someone’s life is in danger, they cant do anything), so my only option was to keep f—ing with this guy until he returns my iPhone.

 
A medusa or jelly Desmonema glaciale. It lives near the surface and the bell can reach over one meter in diameter. The Circle of Leaf
I don’t know who took the photograph but it brightened my day. 🙂
click on it for a larger version
 
 
Uncle Sam Wants You…
…to loan him a few bucks. What kind of interest rate does the federal government pay on its loans?
neat read about government loans
 

 

rules of engagement part deux
same lame place, same lame channel

Last week, you read about the first part of the evening which was very much about the rules in the game of eight-ball on a barbox.

 

After the trio of pom-pom wearers left, a tall blond girl in a sparkly plaid shirt walked up and said, “Hi! I’m Lacey!” She had the MOST perfect Valley-Girl accent I had ever heard. It was even better than mine.

“Hi, Lacey.”

“Is there anyone playing on this table?”

“It’s my table, did you want to play?”

“Yeah, but, like, I want to play partners with my friend Chad.” Chad, a short fellow with hair gelled and brushed to the center of his head so as to resemble the back of a balding stegosaurus, was wearing a striped shirt that had sparkling threads woven into it. I somehow felt that I should be in a Disney movie with dancing forest creatures, surrounded as I was by so much sparkling. Surreal. Lacey looked around with wide-open eyes, “Do you have a partner?”

“No, but I can play against the two of you.”

“What? Oh, NO. No, no. You, like, totally need a partner.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just play by myself against the both of you.”

“Are you sure?” Lacey looked genuinely concerned.

“Yes.” I was not sure why she was concerned. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Ooookay, that’s your choice,” Lacy said in a sing-song voice. Ugh. Freaking annoying wench. She went over the rack the balls and Chad busied himself with selecting cues. I busied myself trying not to look bored and disgusted.

I broke the balls very well, but the cue ball scratched in the side pocket.

Lacey came up to me, leaned over and speaking slowly in her sing-song voice as though I was a four-year-old, said,“See? See that? Where the white ball went in? That means you lose, okay?”

I looked into her vacuous eyes where I could see my own tired face reflected and said simply, “No, that’s not a loss.”

Lacey straightened up and chuckled, much as if I had been a cranky kindergartener who had just called her a poopyhead. I wish I had called her a poopyhead. Chad of the stegosaurus hairdo came over and they looked at each other. It was now Chad’s turn to act like a tolerant parent. “It’s the rules.” My eye involuntarily twitched at the r-word. “When you make the white ball on the break, you lose. That’s just the way it is.” He smiled at Lacey. She smiled approvingly back.

“Rules. Really.” I’d already been through this drunk-ass, scary-clown carnival ride called “the rules” and I wasn’t interested in another go-around where I would end up puking from irritated frustration. “These — rules — you play by. Are they professional rules?”

Lacey and Chad rolled their eyes simultaneously and laughed. I had the fleeting thought that I was being filmed on Candid Camera. Or perhaps being punked by Ashton Kutcher. “Yes,” said Chad in an exaggerated manner. “They are professional rules.” Both giggled again, as if they knew something I didn’t.

WELL,” I said in a similarly exaggerated manner. “I know what the professional rules are — and it is not a loss of game to scratch on the break. All you guys get is to shoot at whatever you want from behind the line.”

Lacey and Chad looked confused for a moment, the way birds look confused when they fly smack into a window. Chad was the first to regain his footing, “Okay, well, we play by the RIGHT rules. That’s the way we play in Rhode Island, okay? You lose when the white ball goes in on the break.” Lacey nodded enthusiastically. She very much resembled a bobblehead doll at this moment. Chad smiled self-righteously.

“Rhode Island, eh?” They nodded, smiling at the thought that perhaps the name of that miniscule state somehow had struck terror into my heart and understanding into my head. “Then it’s too bad we’re all in CALIFORNIA right now, isn’t it?”

Their faces dropped. Chad opened his mouth for more explaining, but I utilized a weapon that had been used earlier in the evening. “My table, my rules,” I said.

Chad and Lacey looked at each other and frowned.

Chad went to shoot the first shot.

 

Chad missed the first shot. It was my turn, and I shot the two-ball, which was sitting directly in the pocket. Lacey immediately said, “Okay, how do you want to play? Because, you know, we, like, don’t play where you make the ball by accident. That’s not allowed.” Great. This song-and-dance routine again.

“We can play however you like.” Arguing takes energy. I wasn’t very energized at the moment.

Chad stepped in and said gallantly, “We’ll let you keep that one.”

“Oh, you will, will you?” I said, sarcastically.

“Yes. Even though you made it by accident, we’ll let you keep that one. But ONLY for this game, okay? After this game, you don’t get to keep any more balls you make by accident.” Sarcasm was lost on this f—ers.

“Why, thank you. That’s so very generous of you.”

“I know, but we want to make sure you have a chance.” Sarcasm didn’t exist for these f—ers.

I missed the next ball. Lacey shot and missed. I quietly and efficiently ran out the rest. There was a moment of silence. This was broken by Lacey’s, “Like, WOW!” I began to feel a glow of accomplishment that I really shouldn’t feel for beating people this lame. “Like, I can’t believe you beat us!” Yeah, and I can’t believe it’s not butter.

“I didn’t miss at the end,” I said patiently.

“No, like, I can’t believe you beat us both!” The glow began to fade. “We’re, like, good players, you know?”

The glow was gone and I had no desire to humor these dumbf—s any longer. I pointed to the table. “There are seven balls left on that table. I can make them all without missing, if that will help you believe.”

“No, no, no, that’s not what I meant!” What? WTF? If I didn’t beat them because I was a better player — and that was obvious — how else was I supposed to beat them? “I mean, you, like, beat us both. You know, there’s two of us — and one of you.”

 

I had to pause for a moment as my brain short-circuited and a giant red alert message flashed before my eyes.

DOES NOT COMPUTE

 

I regained my sanity and circuitry and said slowly, with great effort, “This is pool, not a fight. Having more people on your team doesn’t mean you are going to win. I play better alone. It was easier for me to beat both of you because there were two of you.”

Lacey blinked her gargatuan bug-eyes a few times. She laughed her plastic windchime laugh, nodded, and patted me condescendingly on the shoulder as she rolled her double expanse of wasted optic nerves, “Riiiight. Easier. Hahahaha! Riiiight.” She walked away laughing to herself.

I watched her go and turned to see my cousins looking on in disbelief. “Oh. My. God. Your stories are true! Is it like this all the time? Are people this dumb all the time?”

“Not all of the time, but most of the time, yes.”

“How do you put up with it?”

“I… I, uh… You know what? I don’t know.”

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14 Replies to “rules of engagement part deux”

  1. I knew it would happen one day. I knew the smog of Southern Ca. and blonde hair dye would mix and lobotomize someone from the valley.

    Some of the best reading I have had all day. Thanks for making another crappy day at work worth having internet access for.

  2. Well told story, very funny!

    It’s disturbing how some have no idea why my shots are so much easier than theirs. I might run the table and interrupt their chattering to declare my pocket for the 8, and they say, ” WTF? Did you cheat?” Or I miss an easy shot because I also needed to break a cluster for the run out, and they just laugh and tell me I am a lousy player. Really, it is so much more enjoyable playing decent players. Sometimes I’d rather give up the table than play with players who have no clue.

    1. When you’re in that place, where people just have no clue and it’s taking away from your enjoyment of the game, make them play for a drink. And continue to do so…that way at least you’re getting something out of their ignorance…and eventually you’ll be too tanked to even care that they are ignorant NOOBS…

  3. Intensely frustrating situations like these is why its good to have a creative hobby one can get themselves engrossed it. If this happened to me, I would make like 700 coffee mugs.

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