fund sarcasm


October 2018
« Nov    


• 2013 Majors

BCAPL National 8-Ball Championships
Rio All-Suite Las Vegas Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, NV
first time at the Rio (adios Riviera) and things get epic
Hard Times 10-Ball Open
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
just a lil pre-Vegas warm up tournament
West Coast Challenge
$4,000 added One Pocket
$10,000 added 10-Ball
California Billiard Club
Mountain View, CA
last event at this location before they close (sadface)
Cole Dickson Memorial 9-Ball
Family Billiards
San Francisco, CA
for legendary road player Cole Dickson
Pots 'N' Pans Memorial 9-Ball
Pool Sharks
Las Vegas, NV
celebrating hustler Bernard Rogoff, better known as "Pots 'N' Pans"
TAR35 | Dennis Orcollo vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second and third days
TAR33 | Francisco Bustamante vs Alex Pagulayan
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second (1P) and part of third (10B) day
TAR32 | Ronnie Alcano vs Jayson Shaw
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
GREAT match • Andy Mercer Memorial 9-Ball Tournament coverage
Chet Itow Memorial 9-Ball
California Billiards Club
Mountain View, CA
drank too much to do good coverage, but here it is, anyway
Jay Swanson Memorial 9-Ball
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
let Robocop show you how to run a six-pack, Citizen
TAR31 | Mike Dechaine vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
TAR30 | Darren Appleton vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
the boys are back in town
» Huidji See
» Donny Mills
the best kind of New Year's Sandwich
that's not okay
you know that I'm no good
on being a reasonable human being with realistic expectations
instasham series
stories from the distant and slightly-less-distant past
the only people for me are the mad ones
questions, tournaments, bets, running 26.2 miles


The Action Report
purveyor of fine challenge matches between highly-skilled players of note
Cue Times Billiard News
Colorado's best resource for all things pool-related
Jack Justis Cases
the choice of champions
Sugartree Customs
made by Eric "Slower Than Snails" Crisp, if and when he feels like it
Tucker Cue Works
"If you feel the need to ask me how your cue is progressing every week then maybe there is a better choice of cuemakers out there for you."
Kurzweils' Country Meats
yes, meat


one-track mind

har har har

My better half recently brought back some nice shampoo and conditioner from one of the high-end hotels his company puts him up in. The stuff came in nice little bottles and was a pretty blue color. I opened one of the bottles and took a sniff. It smelled nice, and somewhat familiar. I looked at the label to read the descriptive blurb and it said something about “mint and lavender”. I sniffed it again, and also detected rosemary… Ahh. So nice.

I immediately thought of lamb chops.


Happy Valentine’s Day
no love so sincere as the love of food



+ biscuits…

… = LOVE!


Total Jackage
hello to those across the pond

whoa dude

I came across a site called CueSport TV – The Blog in my aimless ramblings across the web. They describe themselves thusly:

Cuesport TV is a high quality TV-over-Internet channel that specialises in pool, snooker and billiards programming.

The channel is owned and operated by Managing Director – Pete Williams (the author of this blog) and his wife Angela.

Visit the channel for access to live events, a free-to-air schedule and video on demand with content and viewership rapidly growing.

It’s a nicely organized site, both pleasing to the eye and pleasing to the billiards-soaked brain. In particular, I loved the video they posted today in the post entitled “Greatest Shot Ever?” I’ve embedded it below, but you can go directly to the original post or their YouTube channel for more.

The game is English Eight-Ball, where instead of solids and stripes, the balls are yellows and reds. I am also tickled by the fact that the table looks like a tiny (OMGWTF-sized) snooker table.

Freakin’ awesome.



2009 Jay Swanson Memorial 9-Ball Tournament
Hollywood Billiards – Hollywood, CA

you just gotta try

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Once again, duty calls, and my better half goes off to work on tournament day. That means I get to take the bus, which is often an interesting and not unpleasant experience.

Left. As I waited for the bus in the rain at 7:30 a.m., I noticed a heart-shaped tree. Happy V-Day, dudes.

Right. As I rode the first bus, I noticed something charming and unusual…

nifty tagg! another one rides the bus...

If you didn’t see it at first, here’s a better highlight of the photograph.


Yep, that’s a cockatiel riding the bus with its owner.

It was a pleasant bird, and chirped quite a bit. It also didn’t mind being petted by strangers, and would actually flit over to someone occasionally to investigate whistling or crackers. According to its owner, it accompanied her on a regular basis, and enjoyed riding the bus.

At a little past 9:00 a.m., I arrived at the Swanee’s host location:

Hollywood Billiards
(323) 465-0115
5750 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

A huge crowd had already assembled, even this early in the morning. Shortly thereafter, the field filled up to its maximum allowance, an astounding 192 players, along with a waiting list of 20+. Bill Stock and “Marvelous” Mark Estes of the BCAPL, along with Jay Helfert ran a supremely efficient tournament that was a joy to play in.

This is one of Southern California’s premier tournaments, and the roster of players is quite impressive. This year, I think we may have had less out-of-state players, but the field was still plenty strong. (I apologize in advance for the brevity of this post, but when I play in an event, I don’t have time to point and jeer as much.)

Below, we have Rich “The Hat” Geiler in his hat and suit. He plays in his suit jacket, just like grand players did in days of yore.

of hats and hedgehogs

Next to Mr. Geiler we have the world-famous Hedgehog. His shirt reads, “Quit!!” in scripty lettering.

It’s so clever it’s beyond me.

In those curious twists of fate all too common at major tournaments, we have Gus Briseno of Arizona and Some Dude From Vegas matched up in the first round. Word on the street is that juuust prior to this tournament, they had played each other in a nice, long, high-stakes gambling match.

"so... we meet again, Mr. Bond..."

Fate wanted to see a rematch with a different game, and so, here they are.


I did no good in this tournament.

I played extremely badly in my first match and deservingly lost 8-5. At one point, I broke in five balls on the break, but was hooked on the first shot. Arrgh!

I partially redeemed myself in my second match, but futzed the last super-thin nine-ball cut hill-hill. Sucks, especially since I had to fight back from a ridiculous deficit and make some nice shots to catch my opponent on the hill. That’s a painful 7-6 loss to fade.

Bad news: out of tournament.

Good news: I’ll never f—ing miss that cut again.

In honor of my 0-2 BBQ, my better half took me out for KBBQ.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I had a few things to do on Sunday, so I didn’t return to the scene of the crime until later in the evening. By that time, there were just eight players left.

Below, we have Sal Butera.

same ol'... ...same ol'

Every time I have seen Mr. Butera (with the IPT events being an exception, of course), he’s been dressed the same way with extremely minimal variation. He wears a long-sleeved tee underneath a short-sleeved button-up shirt with cargo pants whose pockets are so voluminous, he could smuggle people across the border in them.

I have no insight to the purpose or message of his wardrobe.

I can only speculate that he has as many versions of these outfits as Jose “Amang” Parica has horizontally striped polo shirts (like this one). That is to say, an endless supply.

Left. The suited man on the left was an interesting character. I shall name him Jabba the Hutt for obvious reasons. Other than the sh*t-colored suit, I had no beef with him until he opened his mouth. He even sounded like Jabba the Hutt! Incredible! I was on the edge of my seat waiting for him to say, “Bring me the wookie.” But, he didn’t. Shucks.

He did, however, have a redonkulously ANNOYING habit of shushing everyone when the player he was betting on was about to shoot. I mean shushing as in kindergarten-teacher style shushing — fat finger in front of lips, extended pinkie, and all. Of course, at all other times when his player was not shooting, he bellowed, snorted, snuffled, hocked loogies, waddled around like a plucked Thanksgiving turkey in a sh*t-colored suit, and generally felt it was well within his right to shark the crap out of everyone else.

Jabba, you slobbering, slovenly hypocrite.

May you only book losers for the rest of your life.

Right. I call this bit of photographic art “Men Eating Salad With Their Fingers”.

blarney boy grazers

This is Mike Mitchell, who had a hell of a tournament.

It’s tough to play in front of lots of people and lots of photographers and their clickety-clackety shutters, but he handled it like a professional.

the magnificence of competition

And that concludes my lame tournament coverage.

seriously now

one day, this will all change

To the three different guys that offered to buy my spot in the tournament:

  • No, I am not selling my spot.
  • No, I am not “holding this spot” for my boyfriend.
  • No, I am not here to “hold his case and cues”.
  • Go f— yourself.
  • Yes, really, that’s my case and cues.
  • Yes, it is a nice case.
  • No, he did not buy it for me.
  • Are you going to f— yourself yet?
  • Yes, I am aware that my chances of winning this tournament are not very high.
  • No, I do not think your chances are better than mine.
  • Yes, I know I could make all of $35 if I sell this spot to you for $100.
  • No, I could not buy myself something nice for $35. Unless it’s a taser. And I get to use it on you.

To the random dude that was part of the rotation on the practice table:

  • Yes, I am aware these are tight pockets.
  • Yes, I do know the difference between playing on tight pockets versus big pockets. More shots are missed on tight pocket tables — you’re illustrating that right now.
  • Yes, I am aware that if I miss more than once a rack, I won’t be able to beat the top players in this tournament. However, you miss two or more times, so I hope I get to play you.
  • Yes, I am aware that you can use knowledge of three-cushion billiards to aid in nine-ball position play. However, you keep hooking yourself or freezing yourself to the object ball, so it’s not that impressive coming from you.
  • Yes, I’m going to wear my iPod now.
  • No, I don’t like you.

2 comments to v-day

  • Roy Steffensen

    Ahhh… I have to say that the posts that I enjoy the very most from you are about tournaments you have joined!

    Keep travelling 🙂

  • dabarbr

    Five balls on the break. Awesome. I have trouble just getting a ball to the other side of the table. Sorry I missed saying hi to you. Dabarbr