the best kind of sandwich

 

the best kind of sandwich

welcome to my world

Last Thursday, I was super-excited for the weekend. I was going to Las Vegas in hopes of playing in the annual Andy Mercer Memorial 9-Ball Classic held at the Rum Runner on Tropicana. The “Rum Runner” tournament is a bar table nine-ball tournament limited to 64 entries and this year, they had sold out surprisingly early. I had sent in my entry a couple of weeks ago, but got a call RIGHT after I had dropped my entry in the mail (certified with return receipt, of course) to tell me entries had been closed. F—. Through the efforts of a kind Las Vegas friend, I managed to get the second spot on the waiting list. In the past, players would drop out prior to the event so many people told me my chances to get in as the #2 alternate were quite good. The day before, I’d been told one person had dropped out and now I was #1 on the waiting list.

I was also excited because I would be tagging along with friends to the tournament which meant I wouldn’t have to take Greyhound. Laziness for the win! The plan was to leave Thursday evening, but my friends ended up having to work late. It was raining hard outside, but I found it boring to be indoors so I decided to take a walk down to the supermarket to get some snacks for the road. I didn’t want the bother of bringing an umbrella on such a short walk so I decided not to bring one. I put on some old clothes, stuck just my wallet in my jacket pocket (didn’t want the bother of bringing a purse, either), and since my usual waterproof boots were in need of repair, I laced up in my newest shoe acquisition — my first pair of athletic shoes since high school (these normally stupid-expensive shoes had been on sale at an offer-you-can’t-refuse price). I zipped up my jacket and trotted down the street.

I was so engrossed in thinking about the upcoming weekend that I walked past the supermarket by a block. I ended up in front of the local nail salon and, in an inexplicable fit of girliness (or maybe because I was getting soaked and just a little cold), I went inside. I was promptly told (and convinced) I should have my eyebrows cleaned up. This time-honored technique of girlification which would magically transform me and improve my life would cost me six dollars. Right. I looked out the window and the rain had actually begun to come down harder. Fine. Let’s fix my eyebrows. During the process, I got a text message from Mark Estes, one of the guys helping with the Rum Runner, telling me that no one had dropped out that morning. If no one dropped out before the end of the calcutta, then I would not be able to play. AAAAUUUGGGHH! This did not put me in a good mood. The beautician put a rather oily lotion on and around my eyebrows to soothe the sting of the tweezing. I was annoyed by the lotion but I knew I’d be home soon and figured I’d wipe it off then. The rain let up a little and I made a quick exit towards the supermarket across the street.

I made a mental list about what I wanted to get while I waited for the walk signal. The light turned green, the little WALK man blinked on, and I started to cross the street. At about halfway through, I felt two hands go down the back of my pants, squeeze, and the next thing I knew, I saw a guy running away ahead of me.

 

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

 

My first thought was, Is that someone I know? That better be someone I know. And then I thought, Even if that’s someone I know, that’s not fucking right. I ran after the guy.

 

I yelled a few profanites after him and he looked back. Almost immediately, he ran into an advertising kiosk in the middle of the sidewalk. I caught up and grabbed him by the neck. I yanked his head back in a most ungentle manner and said, “What THE FUCK was that?!” I lose what little eloquence I have when my blood pressure goes above a certain level.

He smiled at me with a giggle and said, “It’s okay! It’s okay!”

“THAT is NOT okay!” I had my left hand in a vise grip around his throat. Some of you know my appearance is deceptively delicate for the amount of Fuck-You-Upness that burns in the crematorium of my heart. “You piece of shit, you ARE NOT getting away with this.” He giggled some more and I increased the pressure of my grip further. With my free hand, I took my phone out of my jacket pocket and began to dial 911.

He kept repeating, “It’s okay! It’s okay!” in heavily accented English. It was possible he didn’t speak English at all. He treated this whole thing as a joke. Then, he put his hands on my chest, and laughed.

 

OMG!

Seriously?!

WTF?

That move, asshole, is no bueno.

 

My body temperature instantaneously skyrocketed and I said through gritted teeth, “That. Is. NOT. Okay.” I calmly put my phone back in my pocket, zipped the pocket shut, increased the pressure of my left hand around his windpipe (he abruptly stopped laughing), and began to hit.

The first punch landed solidly on his temple and dazed him. I had a mission and I was single-minded in my mission: this piece of shit would pay for what he thought he could get away with for no other reason aside from the fact I was a woman and he was a physically larger man. I was very methodical and demonstrated excellent technique. He came out of his stupor after about thirty seconds and realized what was happening. I think he began to be afraid.

He began to fight in earnest and even though he was bigger than me, I never let up. He hit me several times but each time his fist connected with my face, his blows glanced off. This was due to a good roll. I was shorter than he was, so he had to swing downward as he swung across. When he did manage to hit me at all, the contact point was right about where my eyebrows were. That icky lotion the salon lady had smeared across my eyebrows had spread over my face with the rain and so, his punches slipped. Boxers put Vaseline on their face before a fight so that their opponents’ gloves slide off their faces and the impact of the punch is thereby greatly lessened.

He struggled mightily and managed to break my grip. He darted off the the left and began to run through the supermarket parking lot. I checked to make sure the pockets containing my wallet and phone were zipped securely. Then, I ran after him.

I caught up to him, took a flying jump, and tackled him to the ground. We wrestled for a few moments until I got him in a headlock. We had ended up behind a car backing up and the lady in it stopped and came out. “Call the police!” I yelled out to her. She started dialing. This inspired the pervert to really fight. I kept my arm around his neck but he wriggled free and took off again through the parking lot. The lady yelled, “The police are coming!” as I ran after him.

We wove between the parked cars and, thanks to the fabulousness of my brand-new athletic shoes, I was surprisingly agile. He was not so agile and the lead he had on me began to lessen. I knew once he got clear of the cars and out of the parking lot, my chances to catch him would decrease. I was getting tired at this point (my wisdom tooth had been taken out the week before and the empty socket had gotten infected — very gross and very bad for my health) and when I saw him get clear of the cars, part of me thought he was gone for good. Then, the better part of me said, Fuck being tired. You HAVE to catch him. He must be punished. The universe demands it.

I used to be a competitive long-distance runner many, many years ago and never picked it up again after I decided to quit. After I had gotten my new running shoes, I had found them so comfortable I had gone running again, just for the fun of running in bouncy shoes (whee!). It had only been a few days, but I had already become stronger.

I dug deep to hit the motherlode of adrenaline and I swear I have never run as fast in my life as I did with that last surge of energy. I grabbed him by the collar. He turned around and hit me a few times, but that lotion was still doing its job. I kept my hold on his collar and with everything I had left, I threw him down again.

By now a crowd had gathered. He continued to fight but was weakening. I refused to let up on my death grip. He finally said, “No more! Okay! It’s okay! No more!” I said, “What you did was NOT okay and you are SO going to pay for that shit.” He eventually gave up struggling and the police found him sitting in a puddle when they came for him a couple of minutes later.

it's NOT okay you dumbfuck

The other witnesses and I gave our statements. I was told by the police that there was a serial groper in the area and although they had received complaints, they had never been able to catch the guy. He targeted women around that supermarket and they were hoping this was their man. They were amused by the fact that I chased him three times, in my determination to get him. I told them about the time I ran after the thief who stole my cell phone, which only added to their amusement.

 

“Aaand… What do you do for a living?” This was the oldest of the policemen.

“I already told that to the officer that took down my information.”

“Oh, I’m just curious.”

“I’m pretty much an accountant,” I said with some embarrassment.

“So, nothing exciting in your line of work?”

“No, not really. Just paperclips and staples.”

“You did a great job getting this guy.”

“Life for me starts every day at five ‘o clock. I go to work because I have to, but I really live after I get off work. This asshole took some of that quality time from me and it pissed me off.”

“Well, if you’re interested, you should look into getting a job with us. You could be very good at it and you might enjoy it more than crunching numbers.”

 

There’s no question I was incredibly lucky in this incident (as I always seem to be in these kinds of incidents). A series of fortunate coincidences (all the factors I listed in pink) allowed me to fight back and detain him long enough for the law to arrest him. Had I been hindered carrying a purse or an umbrella, or worn less comfortable clothes, or worn different shoes, or had a jacket with no pockets, or decided getting my eyebrows done would be frivolous and lame, or that advertising kiosk hadn’t been right there when he had looked back — who knows what would have happened?

Two friends of mine recently had newborn daughters. If I can help them grow up in a world with one less sexual predator, I will.

 

 

My friends came and got me a couple of hours later and we set off for Sin City. That little jaunt will be covered in the next blog post.

 

81 Replies to “the best kind of sandwich”

  1. Daaaang. Saw your comment on twitter the other day but didn’t think to ask you about it @ RR. Very glad the rolls went for you on this one… putting a prick like that behind bars is nothing short of awesomeness!

  2. If the world needed any more proof as to why you don’t piss off Asian women………you have provided it in spades. Congrats on nabbing the bastard.

      1. You’ve got pool & pain down, if we can teach you a little poker I think there’s a reality show for you!

    1. The shoes are the 2010 Nike Air Max which were $160 at regular price. I got them on super-duper sale for $75 and I think they’ve more than paid themselves off. 🙂

      1. This whole incident would make for a great commercial for Women’s Nike Air Max… and I vote YOU for the spokesperson!
        I would buy a pair in a heartbeat after seeing the ad!! 🙂

    1. I can, on occasion, speak in a manly manner which utilizes many four-letter words. 🙂

  3. Damn… if I ever get groped (in a non~pleasant way) I’m totally calling you for back up! Good job, next time don’t do that crazy!

    1. This was hardly crazy. It was just me with a purpose utilizing an athletic background. Hee hee hee!

  4. Seriously serious, you literally kick ass. Good thing he didn’t do that just after you had lost a match. Can you imagine? 🙂
    BTW, in regards to “…for the fun of running in bouncy shoes (whee!).” read “Born To Run” and you’ll turn those pillow shoes in for some minimalist shoes or bare feet.

    1. Pillow shoes are so nice, though! I’ll read it when I get a chance, thanks for the recommendation. 🙂

  5. They sell small squirt bottles of Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce….just keep the top off and in your other pocket.

    I hope that you aren’t brused and I don’t mean your feelings for what didn’t kill you made you strainger…err stronger…Be well.

    1. That would be a complete waste of Sriracha.

      No major bruises, just some minor ones on my knuckles which healed up before the weekend. I got a good workout from this whole thing. I’m somewhat inspired to not be lazy anymore and get back into good physical condition.

  6. Damn it .. I thought I could take you. Scratch that!

    Were you wearing heels? You could poke his eyes out so he won’t be tempted no mo!!!

    1. No heels, which is probably how/why I got him. 🙂 In happier and even more coincidental news, you won the raffle. That makes you two-in-a-row for my raffles. Unbelievable!

  7. OMGWTF. Remind me never to squeeze your ass without your permission. 🙂

    Great job running him to ground. To bad you didnt have a tazer to roast his testicles with.

    See ya on Jimbo.

  8. Melinda, you are incredibly brave. Also I sympathize for what happened to you. Especially if you have to appear in court.

    1. I wouldn’t mind going to court if it means he gets put away in a nice cell block where the inmates know he got his ass kicked by a 95lb girl. It’ll make him popular, I’m sure.

  9. If that pervert is brought up on charges of assult and Melinda has to testify, then I look forward to that blog.

    Instead of a Sriracha squirt bottle, may I recommend Wasp Spray – good up to 20 feet and a mild poison.

  10. Good for you Melinda! You gonna trade your abacus in for a police badge in the near future? Lol.

    Thanks for sharing and take care! Obviously you know how! 🙂

    Abe / i4pool

    1. I don’t think I could handle a 100% exciting life. 🙂 Paperclips and staples do a good job balancing out the adrenaline moments.

  11. Awesome. (I owe you another drink the next time we see each other.) And what a great turn of phrase, “…the crematorium of my heart.” Fabulous stuff.

    Lou

  12. I am so glad you’re okay because this could have easily turned out much differently. I’m also glad you did what you did because I have 3 daughters and you’re right that having one less POS on the streets is a good thing. I’ve determined that more things happen to you in ordinary life that happen to most people in alley ways. And the next time we’re in the same town, your steak, and whatever you want to drink, is on me.

    Nice work!
    B in VA

    1. We all know I’m not the most intelligent person so the thought of it turning out differently never occured to me. People like him do what they do because they like having power over someone. I’m sure he enjoyed having the tables turned and experiencing his own surprise-hit-and-run bullshit from another perspective.

  13. To bad this couldn’t have been Rudy in Kolby’s a while back. Would have even been better. You go girl, you little Tuffie. LOL

  14. You obviously run well in sneaker and heels! It looks like it doesn’t matter what’s on your feet, you would have caught the guy anyways. I can picture you working in law enforcement, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to work patrol. There are officers in court, jails, administration, training, meter maids, recruitment, etc etc. I bet you’d ace police academy.

  15. Although you had great results in what you did, it was also the stupidest thing you can ever do. What if that guy was armed with something?? You could have been greatly hurt. You have guts Ill give you that but next time you have to use your head. I also find it hard pressed to believe cops told you that was great what you did. When burglars raided my grandmother and aunts house and they chased them down the cops scolded them and said that they put their own well being in danger by doing so. I totally agree..you NEVER know what a person is not only capable of but alos what they are potentially carrying.

  16. You rock! Glad your okay and everything turned out as it did, but I was left wondering why no one else helped you, if I saw something like that going down I would be trying to help.

    1. From what I gathered, people weren’t sure if the guy and I knew each other and didn’t want to get involved, in case we did.

  17. Great writing! Very entertaining shit! I kept waiting for the part where you reached down to his little beanbag and you grabbed it hard, squeezed it like you were trying to squeeze water out of a rock, and then violently twisted it 360 degrees until he passed out.

    What a piece of shit! Be careful out there, though!

    A fan of your blog

    “CaliRed”

    1. He definitely would have deserved it. I’ll remember not to outrun the nuts next time… 😉

  18. Didn’t read all the comments, so maybe this has been said already:
    The best kind of sandwich is a knuckle sandwich!

    1. YES!

      Finally, someone has made a connection between my random titles and their posts!

      That made my day! 😀

  19. Much Props to ya! You should have kicked him in the groin while the cop was there…I think he would have let that slide. What a loser! I hope he is on the receiving end when he is in jail.

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