She's totally fucking serious, dude!! S E R I O U S L Y | S E R I O U S | D I S C L A I M E R
This article is heavy on the APA (American Poolplayers Association) Skill Level technicalities and mumbo jumbo. If you do not play team eight-ball in the APA leagues, it probably won’t make any sense to you.


Yesterday night, my team completed the unfinished (due to massive amounts of douchehat Napolean-syndrome shenanigans by “Road Salt”) match from two weeks ago. In the previous match, Road Salt, a member of the opposing team, called me and my teammates various racist and sexist epithets. He was jonesing for the fight to go from verbal to physical and it very nearly did. However, we were warned the bar we were playing in (Road Salt’s home bar) had a clientele that often carried guns and at least one patron at the bar right then had a gun. So, we left. Winning is not as important as living.


The league board ruled that both teams were at fault and so, the match had to be completed at a neutral location under a board member’s watchful eye. Both teams agreed on yesterday night as the night to finish the match.

We would resume exactly where we had all left off: I had been playing Road Salt (SL5). I was spotting Road Salt two games on the wire to five per the handicap system, and had won the first game.

In addition to my match, we would need to play the last match as well. The overall team score was 2-1 in our favor.


Most of my team members showed up to this match, regardless of whether or not they were playing, for support. The opposing team only had two players show up and, most interestingly, Road Salt was NOT one of them. The two players that showed up for the opposing team were the captain (SL4) and a player (SL4) who had already played previously, meaning he was ineligible to play again. Huh.

The opposing team captain spoke to my captain and she relayed the information to us: Road Salt was not coming to play. I said that since my opponent was a no-show, we should automatically win my match by forfeit. My team captain agreed, but she wanted to show good faith and said we would be as accomodating as possible. We would offer them the opportunity to substitute another player, even though the match had already officially started. Needless to say, I was not amused, but I had faith in my captain.

The opposing team captain wanted to sub in the other player who was present, the aforementioned ineligible player, a SL4. This immediately raised my suspicions. Why? Because…

  • I would have to give MORE weight to this player than to Road Salt. This SL4 would only need to win TWO games where Road Salt had to win three.
  • I’d already watched this SL4 play and he played MUCH better than Road Salt (the South is currently experiencing floods — perhaps he should donate his sandbags where they are needed). I would be giving more weight to someone who actually played better.
  • For f—‘s sake, by the rules, he was ineligible to play! We were already doing them a favor offering them the opportunity to substitute a player and now, they wanted to rob us by suavely asking for even more concessions.

We might be nice, but we’re not stupid.

I told my captain they could substitute a player for Road Salt but ONLY if they played with the same handicap. As for the “recycling” of the ineligible player, I felt they should NOT be allowed this option, especially as he was a very highly underrated player. The other team captain said they were at a disadvantage because they only had two players show up, but I had no sympathy for this. It’s not OUR fault YOUR team doesn’t give enough of a shit to show up, is it?

This was the compromise we offered:

  • For my match, whoever they put up would only receive two games on the wire to five, regardless of their skill level. We would allow the captain twenty minutes try and call another player to come down to finish the match if he, or the other player present, did not want to play me.
  • If they wanted to “recycle” their sandbagging SL4, then he would play me, and only me (we had one more match after mine), and he would get two games on the wire, but NOT three.

I felt the opposing team was hoping we would allow them to recycle their trump card SL4 in one of two ways:

  • He would play me getting the three-game handicap.
  • He would play the last match, even, against our SL4.

In either of those two cases, he would have been the extremely heavy favorite to win. They argued that since I had won the first game, I already had an advantage and it was “only fair” I should allow him to play with the three-game handicap instead of two.

Seriously serious?

You morons.

We stuck to our guns and refused their request.


Instead of having their SL4 play me as an SL5 (or even playing me himself), the opposing team captain opted to forfeit my match, thereby giving us an automatic win. He then played our last player, an SL4 (same skill level as him, so they play even), and she beat him hill-hill, 3-2.

Our team won with a 4-1 victory.

The end.


14 Replies to “4”

  1. Damn… position jockeying, hustling, guns, knives, name calling.. this IS a pool league and not politics right?

    1. Politics can only hope to be as world-shaking and interesting as pool league.

  2. lame, lame, lame. why the other team even showed up is beyond me. they should have all stayed home & stop wasting everybody’s time.

    and funny how road salt didn’t even show. i thought he was all bada~* and stuff. meh.

    1. They all knew about the date and place of play in advance since both captains had to agree to the time and place. Life probably just got in the way, and pool is not a priority for everybody.

  3. Glad this came out with a proper and happy ending. I don’t agree with being so accommodating, however; especially to some low class opponents….you know the old saying, “no good deed goes unpunished.”

  4. If there was going to be an issue with who showed up, couldn’t they have dealt with that before when you were negotiating the time? Its crazy what some people can think they can get away with (even if it wasn’t a calculated strategy)

    Anyway, glad that the good guys won 🙂

    1. My captain confirmed on Sunday night to make sure Monday night still worked for all involved. Perhaps they don’t communicate well within the team.

      In any case, we’ll take the win. 🙂

  5. OK. I give up. I can not guess what is the naming/titling system you use lately for the posts.
    Does “4” or “622” or the other figures mean something? Is it a code ? Is it an inside – americans only – joke? Do the rest of the readers got it? Am I the only stupid one? Am I the most paranoid one?
    (Don’t answer the last two questions but,please) HELP !!!!

    1. No, I just like to do puzzle titles, you’re perfectly sane. 🙂 I’ll stop with number titles after the next post. ;-p

    2. Also, I hope you got in on the raffle. If you win, I do mail the prizes internationally. 🙂

  6. 4 is the handicap of the sandbagger and the final score was 4-1.

    6 is the handicap of the other sandbagger and he got 2nd in nationals, thus the 9K selling price for the persons morals and the 622 title.

    I would make the bigger point that it wasn’t the game on the wire that was such an advantage for the 6 at nationals, but it was the ranked bracket, which meant that he wouldn’t play someone of Jeff Sargents caliber until the finals since 6’s are automatically on the other side of the bracket.

    1. You have everything but the “622”. 🙂 If you do get “622” I will be pleasantly surprised, though.

  7. Ok, so I give. I think I mixed my two titles just a little. The title “6” was the reference to the skill level of the notorious sandbagger.

    And as much as it pains my pattern watching little brain to admit, I don’t have a good answer for the “622” title beyond my original guess that you point out as incorrect. Numerous other thoughts, but nothing that made enough sense.

    – I thought perhaps it was in reference to the 6×12 table, but nothing clear there.
    – Give the number of busses in the story I considered it might be a bus number/route to the event.
    – Perhaps the time that the interal pool brain wakes a person in the morning so as to not miss watching matches
    – Even stretching farther I thought the Bin Laden reference might tie 622 to the start of the Islamic calendar, but that’s a pretty long stretch.

    Unfortunately none of these ideas make enough sense to be it. So I admit defeat.

    However, one little piece of redemntion is the simplicity of the most recent title 4^3=64, the number of players in the Hard Times event. Minor redemption for me.

    Enjoy the writing.

    1. That’s awesome. I’m glad someone else sees the patterns in the post titles (when they are there). 🙂 The 622 is how many miles I had to ride on Greyhound for the trip, so you were close, since you did think there was bus a reference in there.

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