fund sarcasm


October 2018
« Nov    


• 2013 Majors

BCAPL National 8-Ball Championships
Rio All-Suite Las Vegas Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, NV
first time at the Rio (adios Riviera) and things get epic
Hard Times 10-Ball Open
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
just a lil pre-Vegas warm up tournament
West Coast Challenge
$4,000 added One Pocket
$10,000 added 10-Ball
California Billiard Club
Mountain View, CA
last event at this location before they close (sadface)
Cole Dickson Memorial 9-Ball
Family Billiards
San Francisco, CA
for legendary road player Cole Dickson
Pots 'N' Pans Memorial 9-Ball
Pool Sharks
Las Vegas, NV
celebrating hustler Bernard Rogoff, better known as "Pots 'N' Pans"
TAR35 | Dennis Orcollo vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second and third days
TAR33 | Francisco Bustamante vs Alex Pagulayan
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second (1P) and part of third (10B) day
TAR32 | Ronnie Alcano vs Jayson Shaw
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
GREAT match • Andy Mercer Memorial 9-Ball Tournament coverage
Chet Itow Memorial 9-Ball
California Billiards Club
Mountain View, CA
drank too much to do good coverage, but here it is, anyway
Jay Swanson Memorial 9-Ball
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
let Robocop show you how to run a six-pack, Citizen
TAR31 | Mike Dechaine vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
TAR30 | Darren Appleton vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
the boys are back in town
» Huidji See
» Donny Mills
the best kind of New Year's Sandwich
that's not okay
you know that I'm no good
on being a reasonable human being with realistic expectations
instasham series
stories from the distant and slightly-less-distant past
the only people for me are the mad ones
questions, tournaments, bets, running 26.2 miles


The Action Report
purveyor of fine challenge matches between highly-skilled players of note
Cue Times Billiard News
Colorado's best resource for all things pool-related
Jack Justis Cases
the choice of champions
Sugartree Customs
made by Eric "Slower Than Snails" Crisp, if and when he feels like it
Tucker Cue Works
"If you feel the need to ask me how your cue is progressing every week then maybe there is a better choice of cuemakers out there for you."
Kurzweils' Country Meats
yes, meat

9-Ball Junkie – WPBA Nationals, Lincoln City

listening to
Johnny Cash
“…I’d sneak it out of there in a lunchbox in my hand…”

medium cheddar
from Tillamook

obsessed with
chandelier crystals
they’re super-sparkly

thanks for dropping two fashionable shirts in the tip jar
they just revamped the website; the store will be fully stocked in two weeks and prices are awesome!

For those of you who actually read all of the posts I toss on here, you are probably smugly satisfied after Monday’s little bit of paint. That is because Tillamook is just 41 Rain-Slicked, High-Speed-SO-NOT-Recommended miles from Lincoln City.

What’s in Lincoln City, Or-Re-Gone? Not much. They have several cozy restaurants serving all manners of unlucky fishy things that look identical after being dipped in batter and thoroughly drowned in hot, sizzling fat (“Scallop or squid? Clam or driftwood? Roadkill perhaps? Only one way to find out… Damn! It’s gravel!”), some glassblowing studios (“So… what happens to that lovely bit of molten glass when you cough? Have you ever accidentally sucked in? How many have you broken? And you’re still employed? Whoa! Be careful with that! You could seriously hurt someone!”), and, of course, their pride and joy, the Chinook Winds Casino and Convent Center. (When I got there, some sections of the neon sign were out–it’s supposed to be Convention Center, still, it is strangely appropriate. No one’s gettin’ lucky in thar, I tell ya mateys, NO ONE. Arrr!)

That’s right pool junkies, I was at the Women’s Professional Billiards Association (WPBA) Nationals.

I apologize, yet again, for the lack of photos.

I actually had a camera this time, but couldn’t figure out how to turn off the little red-eye light and was thus soundly berated by the tournament staff. I think the tournament directors would do better drawing and quartering that freak of a man with his huge camera whose shutter sounded like a maelstrom of winged terrors every time he took a photo. And yes, he practically fell over the railing every time there was a sensitive moment in the match. (You’ve got a zoom lens on that behemoth–stay in the stands and use it!) Nothing like the sound of a few million bats flitting about your head every time you have to make a five-rail kick to get out of Three-Foul Jail, is there? Sir, for your gallantry, I hereby present you with the Most Self-Absorbed & Clueless Award, a.k.a, The Jackass Award.

If anyone has photos of the players in the outfits I am describing, please do forward them on to me, and I will include them as well as credit you. Gracias!

Oh, and as a future warning to travelers, Oregon is a Blue State. I’m not referring to politics, I’m referring to soda. It’s a Pepsi-only kind of joint, no Coca-Cola. Boo.

All in all, it was a very fun and fashionable tournament. I know some men, upon reading this are going to cry “FOUL!” because I am comparatively mild in this review. Two answers: 1). men provide a much higher quality of fodder, and 2). “Hell hath no fury…” you get the picture. I am in the business of self-preservation, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Cheers, darlings!


Monica “The Assassin” Webb [USA – 9th, $2,400], I love your tournament wear. Specifically, I very much enjoyed your outfit composed of dark pants, white tuxedo-style shirt, and grey tweed jacket (I have had a lifelong love affair with Tweed). Currently, tuxedo shirts are a popular trend for women, but they are usually overdone with frills to the point where I want to slap a George Washington wig on the wearer and ask them to fetch my coach-and-six in breeches and stockings. Your shirt had wonderfully subtle pintucking suggesting its tuxedo heritage without going left-field crazy-aunt frou-frou. Your cheerful pixie-ish haircut with highlights perfectly set off your outfit. J. Crew would be proud to sponsor you, and I would happily go bust trying to copy your outfits. I would also happily go insane trying to copy your charming Southern accent.

Val Finnie [SCO – 5th, $3,300], you had the best shirt of the tournament. I am referring to the striped shirt you wore on Friday. The bold purples (fall’s Color Of The Moment) and variegated stripes contrasted nicely with the bright white cuffs and collar. Furthermore, your sleek bob in glossy Light-Sucking Black was the ideal haircut for that shirt. Why? Because it provided excellent contrast for the collar without interfering with its clean lines and crispness. Longer, loose hair would hide the collar, and if one wore a bun or ponytail with said shirt–well–Tragically Hip Librarian comes to mind. Congratulations, also, for achieving Touring Pro status with this tournament.

Speaking of perfect hair, I have a most serious case of Hair Envy in regards to Jennifer “9mm” Barretta’s [USA – 17th, $1,700] flawless coif. I am obsessed with stick straight I-Am-A-Model-And-You-Are-Who style of hair, and Ms. Barretta’s is EXACTLY what I will be requesting in my next life (provided I don’t burn in hell for eternity). Ms. Barretta, your hair is perfectly parted, with lovely depth of color (light caramel blonde on top, deepening to espresso below), and your ponytail never has any stray hairs or awkward bumps. I’ve attempted to achieve The Perfect Ponytail before, and come to the conclusion that I could best accomplish that by 1). remove head, 2). style, 3). reattach head, making sure face is facing forward. In addition, you are the fittest pregnant woman I have ever seen. There is absolutely no excess weight on you whatsoever. Also, you get bonus points for patiently explaining to a random guy what the APA (American Poolplayers Association) was (“They have handicapped 8-ball and 9-ball leagues for amateurs.”) and why you didn’t play in it (“I am a professional. Professionals are not allowed in the APA.”). You get more points for answering his question, “Are you in this book?” as he waved the WPBA Program at you. “Yes,” you said. “Why?” he counters. “Because,” you said, “I am a Touring Pro.” All this with a smile, too!

And, finally, I have noticed the trend of argyle, especially with the Players From Across The Pond. (Some people do not like the imports, but I, for one, welcome our overseas overlords. They come bearing Argyle and Tweed.) I like this trend. I see argyle sweaters worn over dress shirts as a great way to add touches of color to the current menswear trend for women. Those I have noticed in nice argyle at this tournament include Kim “The Cooler” Shaw [GBR – 17th, $1,700] in appropriate icy blue, Karen “Irish Invader” Corr [IRL – 3rd, $5,700] in very academic navy and red (go Gryffindor!), and Melissa “The Dragon Lady” Herndon [USA – 9th, $2,400] in a charming grey twinset.


Carol “Staten Island Sweetheart” Clark [USA – 49th], I love everything about you: your hair, your choice of sparkly black tops, and your incredibly funny personality. You are joie de vivre itself. Congratulations on winning the WPBA President’s Award!

Debbie “The Shot” Schjodt [USA – 49th] and Ewa “The Striking Viking” Laurance [SWE – 25th, $1,100], your match reinforces my belief that a new division within the WPBA should be made, the Five-Foot & Under Division for Those Of Average Appearance. You beautiful model-types who don’t need to use a bridge every other shot because your legs are 10 miles long can go play in the other corner of the schoolyard.

Melissa “The Dragon Lady” Herndon [USA – 9th, $2,400], you look great! Your rigorous gym workouts are paying off, and I am sure you will have more stalkers soon! Ok, you can put that cue down now–no, not on my head. Yes, we can play a set for earrings.

Rachael Abbink [CAN – 25th, $1,100], you have THE most unique cue case I have ever seen. I think the added weight of all those stickers is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 lbs. Your daily workout probably goes something like this: Lift cue case once. It must be effective, because you have an awesome stroke.

Sarah “Velvet” Ellerby [GBR – 9th, $2,400] now represents Puma Sportswear, and she is a fabulous representative. If I wasn’t damp, freezing, and in the middle of nowhere, I would have run out and bought the exact same striped pink polo. I already use BioSilk Silk Therapy by Farouk Systems, another one of Sarah’s sponsors. Now, if only I could buy some world-class billiard skills…

Sarah Rousey [USA – 5th, $3,300], your patent leather pumps are sooooo cute!

Yes, Xiao-Ting Pan [CHN – 9th, $2,400] really is that pretty in addition to not missing a ball for five straight racks. I think she’d look absolutely darling in a silk-scarf headband. She has perfect sideswept bangs. XTP, won’t you give that a try at your next tournament? Aldo Accessories has very nice versions in different prints for $8.00 (total bargain!).

Alice “Miss Alice” Rim [USA – 25th, $1,100], thanks for showing me the meaning of perseverance. You’ve got credit in heaven.


Allison “Duchess of Doom” Fisher [GBR – 1st, $14,000], you make pool look so easy I’ve notified the Better Business Bureau of fraud. I just saw this photo of you in the WPBA Program. I think it’s great! Nice touch with the black beaded necklace. Pearls would have made you look prim and proper. Instead, you look like the dazzling head of a spy agency/billiards cartel/tiny oil-rich nation. And completely ready to kick butt.

In Parting

Menswear fabrics and cuts are in.
If you’re using half a can of Aqua-Net on your hair, watch out, I’m coming with matches.
Did anyone else notice M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” in the music loop in the tournament room?

1 comment to 9-Ball Junkie – WPBA Nationals, Lincoln City

  • Anonymous

    I know you said that you would be more tame with the women, but weren’t there ANY players you can make fun of? And can you please say more stuff about Bernie Friend, your piece on him was HILARIOUS!!!! more more more more 😀