Pool Junkie – UPA Pro Tour Championships, Gardena

listening to
insert sound of silence here

a latte
must… stay… awake… zzzzz…

obsessed with
cleaning my room
it’s that time again

click to see more of his stuff on Flickr

t h a n k s

JCIN of the
AZ Billiards Forums
for his excellent player photographs, which made this edition of snarky billiards amusement possible

UPA Pro Tour Championships, Gardena

The lighting conditions for the tournament tables was A1 HORRIBLE. I have seen better pool table lighting in the darkest, dingiest bars of East Los Angeles where people set cars on fire and shoot each other for fun. There has been better light at the end of the tunnel. Even when it WAS that of an approaching train.

I apologize for the crappiness of my photos. No flash photography was allowed in the tournament room and no photography at all was allowed anywhere else in the casino. As a result, my new digital camera saw limited action, with less-than-spectacular results.

Once again, thanks to JCIN of the AZ Billiards Forums for allowing me to use his much more professional photos, taken with a digital camera that was not won from a gumball machine. Enjoy this edition of Pool Junkie, now featuring an improved layout and fresh spring colors.

Slideshow Appetizer
Yikes! avocado and condensed milk

Head for the hills!
Or maybe not. The Cahuenga Pass fire causing minor traffic snarls (mostly from rubberneckers such as myself) on the way to Normandie Casino. Two Illinois teenagers were charged with felony arson.

An avocado milkshake, available at the Normandie Casino cafe. Verdict: sugary avocado flavor is mystifying, in a good way.
too danged cute all this for $10
Matching his-and-hers Louis Vuitton sneakers in denim, patent leather, and suede. He got a pair of cool shoes, she got a diamond ring. Who won that match?
Birds on the wire.
They’re all betting against each other. It was quite entertaining to watch their antics with every shot missed or made.


While there are certain elements of the Europeans’ artistic programs I find questionable, there is no denying that most of them have the technical routines down pat: their shirts and pants are tailored to fit their frames. (See Thorsten “The Hitman” Hohmann, last edition’s Best Dressed) You guessed right, I am looking forward to watching “Blades of Glory” on the silver screen.

Anyhow, moving on…

Having pant legs and sleeves the correct length does wonders for slimming and elongating the silhouette. Tucking in a nicely fitted shirt lengthens the torso and makes you look taller and gives you the appearance of better posture.

Today, we have Corey “The Prince of Pool” Deuel [USA – 9th, $1200] illustrating what happens when your shirt doesn’t fit.

Mr. Deuel, you are a slim young man, and, as such, most of the stylish clothes out there on the market were made for you. With designers like Hugo Boss, Armani, and Versace at your disposal, why would you choose Hefty Cinch Sak? (Although, if you were doing the patriotic Made In The USA thing, I cannot fault you.)

When I saw you, I knew immediately I was in an episode of Family Feud. I yelled out possibilities.

“Consumptive Victorian Poet!” [X]

“Free-Loving Bohemian Vegan Fairy!” [X][X]

The #1 answer?

“Suuurvey says… BELUGA! [Ding! Ding! Ding!]

The Pinniped of Pool. '
Mr. Deuel Mr. Delphinapterus leucas

If you were trying to look more muscular by adding pointless volume, may I suggest you ditch this cetacean-Zeppelin look and turn, instead, to a fail-proof workout regimen you may not have heard about?

It’s called eating.

En fuego!

Charlie “Hillbilly” Bryant [USA – 5th, $2000], your wardrobe is magnificent.

Not magnificent in the way of the soaring condor or the wild and free mustangs of the Great Plains, but magnificent in the way The Rocky Horror Picture Show is classic cinema and All-You-Can-Eat is considered an unalienable American right.

With your loud shirts, entertaining accent (“Heelbeeleeee on the heeeeeeel!”), general FU attitude towards the usual men’s semi-formal and formal wear, you are hereby classified as “camp”.

According to Wikipedia: “Camp is an aesthetic in which something has appeal because of its bad taste or ironic value.”

I would love for you to take an interest in snooker and its coat-and-tails dress code. You would look very dapper in the all-American tuxedo t-shirt.

If you were NOT going for the camp aesthetic, that is, you actually DID attempt to dress formally for this event, then…

“…this blog will self-destruct in five seconds…”

PS. Each of your shirts reminds of items that bring me great happiness. Do you have something in bright yellow and white? I do SO miss Twinkies.

Mr. Hillbilly

It's what's for dinner.

Mr. T


on sale right now at Pottery Barn

$2000 $79.99 twin, $109.99 full/queen
hooked also hooked
Fish (Calico Bass) Fisherman

Best Shirt

I have no winner for Best Dressed in this edition as no one fulfilled the complete requirements (shoes, shirt, pants, and/or jacket, nice jewelry optional). However, I did see some very nice shirts.

I have always been a fan of vertically striped shirts. They’re like chicken, hard to mess up (although it can, and has, been done).

Tyler Edey [CAN -17th], your shirt pictured below (the pattern is bold, but not overpowering) is my favorite and my choice for Best Shirt.

Next time, tuck it in and feed it some starch, so that the collar won’t flare out like a banana peel dying under a hot desert sun.

Nevertheless, Mr. Edey, this is a fabulous shirt and you are also a very nice person.

sttrrr... ...iiipe!
Mr. Edey
Honorable Mentions
tiger tiger cub
The always dapper Shane Van Boening [USA – 7th, $1000]. Future heartbreaker Landon Shuffett [USA – 33rd].

turn that frown upside down :-D


Shin-Young Park [KOR – 17th], I was very sorry that Evgeny “The Russian” Stalev decided to stand me up at the UPA Prom (after being listed at the calcutta). Thank you for filling in. You have the same build, and even the same facial expression.

Kim “California Kim” Davenport [USA – 33rd], the poor lighting situation was not improved upon by your fluorescent pants. Thanks for the effort, though.

Max “Mad Max” Eberle [USA – 25th], I thought you were wearing black silk pajamas printed with gold Chinese characters on Friday. Then, I looked again–and, yes, you were.

Rodney “The Rocket” Morris [USA – 17th], the QM2 called. She would like her mooring chain back when you’re done wearing it around your neck.

Santos Sambajon, Jr. [PHI – 33rd], Rubber Duckie, would like her mooring chain back when you’re done wearing it around your neck.

Shawn “Love Sponge” Putnam [USA – 7th, $1500], you were checking racks like you were at a nudie bar. If you were at nudie bar, be assured that your rack would be the best by far–and I am very, very jealous.

Tony “The Sniper” Crosby [USA via GBR – 13th, $1000], my female friends are enamored of your body english, specifically, the little hula-shake you use to encourage the cue ball. They have unanimously voted you Best Butt and would like to see you in a grass skirt by the ocean under a palm tree.

Black flat-front pants with a light-blue dress shirt and black leather jacket is HOT. Players looking good in this ensemble include Mika “Iceman” Immonen [FIN – 3rd, $3000] (no more pink t-shirts, bravo) and Dave “Big Wave” Hemmah [USA – 13th, $1000]. If you are wearing this, please sit next to me. And hold my coffee so it doesn’t get cold. Gracias.

Mr. Park

so much gold, so small neck
Mr. Sambajon
I'd rather be surfing.
Mr. Hemmah


the halo goes *ding!*

Announcer Dude [USA], I had a chance to chat with you at the tournament, and so, because you are very nice, and sincere, and well-intentioned, I hereby amend my previous assessment.

You are now a good guy.

Announcer Dude has spent the last eight years announcing in Korea.

In Korean.

Since the only language I know is English, I can only hang my head in shame and commit seppuku.

Three Buds for you, A-Dude!

Strangely Familiar
Mad. Rad.
Max Eberle, Veganz With Attitude. Chris O’ Donnell, “Khakis With Attitude”.

In Parting

Los Angeles offers its deepest apologies for the shark Raj Hundal [GBR – 5th, $2000] endured from one of our own.

That Normandie Casino cafe gives the Derby City Classic’s Executive West’s restaurant the 3, 5, 7 & the breaks.

I need sleep. Hasta y’all later.

The Sandbox

[neat] Un-frickin’-believable.

[scary] Eat the calamari before it eats you.

[chucklement] Honk. Honk. Honk.

Here is a recent Saturday Night Live skit featuring Peyton Manning that I enjoyed very much. Watch it before NBC mobilizes its Litigation Unit to take it off Le Internet.

One Reply to “Pool Junkie – UPA Pro Tour Championships, Gardena”

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