fund sarcasm


October 2018
« Nov    


• 2013 Majors

BCAPL National 8-Ball Championships
Rio All-Suite Las Vegas Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, NV
first time at the Rio (adios Riviera) and things get epic
Hard Times 10-Ball Open
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
just a lil pre-Vegas warm up tournament
West Coast Challenge
$4,000 added One Pocket
$10,000 added 10-Ball
California Billiard Club
Mountain View, CA
last event at this location before they close (sadface)
Cole Dickson Memorial 9-Ball
Family Billiards
San Francisco, CA
for legendary road player Cole Dickson
Pots 'N' Pans Memorial 9-Ball
Pool Sharks
Las Vegas, NV
celebrating hustler Bernard Rogoff, better known as "Pots 'N' Pans"
TAR35 | Dennis Orcollo vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second and third days
TAR33 | Francisco Bustamante vs Alex Pagulayan
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
second (1P) and part of third (10B) day
TAR32 | Ronnie Alcano vs Jayson Shaw
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
GREAT match • Andy Mercer Memorial 9-Ball Tournament coverage
Chet Itow Memorial 9-Ball
California Billiards Club
Mountain View, CA
drank too much to do good coverage, but here it is, anyway
Jay Swanson Memorial 9-Ball
Hard Times Billiards
Bellflower, CA
let Robocop show you how to run a six-pack, Citizen
TAR31 | Mike Dechaine vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
TAR30 | Darren Appleton vs Shane Van Boening
TAR Studio
Las Vegas, NV
the boys are back in town
» Huidji See
» Donny Mills
the best kind of New Year's Sandwich
that's not okay
you know that I'm no good
on being a reasonable human being with realistic expectations
instasham series
stories from the distant and slightly-less-distant past
the only people for me are the mad ones
questions, tournaments, bets, running 26.2 miles


The Action Report
purveyor of fine challenge matches between highly-skilled players of note
Cue Times Billiard News
Colorado's best resource for all things pool-related
Jack Justis Cases
the choice of champions
Sugartree Customs
made by Eric "Slower Than Snails" Crisp, if and when he feels like it
Tucker Cue Works
"If you feel the need to ask me how your cue is progressing every week then maybe there is a better choice of cuemakers out there for you."
Kurzweils' Country Meats
yes, meat

butter, bread, & knowing better | 1


why, yes

I do hoard my food posts so I can use them in times of posting famine. There are plenty in reserve for the upcoming leaner months.



butter, bread, & knowing better | 1

I have written about some of the listed tournaments already so here is a quickie review of them with links.


1. Open 9-Ball

I fell short on the first stop (“without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos”) of the Tour of Insanity, but that was all right. I had discussed the upcoming tourments with some of the people there and had gotten all warm-fuzzied out planning road trips. Whee! Road trips! They make pool affordable!


2. Open 9-Ball

I traveled up to this tournament with some local dudes. I had been playing fairly well recently, so I was pretty gung-ho about going and doing some damage. And then, I was derailed by a very small thing that had very large consequences. I ended up winning one match and losing two, which was NOT what I came to do, but that is what happened.

So now, I am all about “Airplane mode FOREVER”.


3. Women’s 9-Ball, bar tables

I thought I had all bases covered by this time. Hell, I knew what airplane mode was and I used it religiously when allowed. I did not allow for the fact that time and people have made me complacent over the years. Complacent enough that I try, very hard, to do what I call “BE GOOD ABOUT IT”. When I say, “I tried to be good about it”, I mean that I made myself uncomfortable and risked my own tournament well-being so as not to inconvenience my road partner because I think, “I can handle it”.

I like to think my road partners know how important tournaments are to me, but that is not always the case. This is because different things mean different things to different people, and even when we are going to the same tournament, we don’t all go for the same reasons, nor do we risk the same things, be they money or something intangible.

I tried to be good about it at this tournament (“the face that launched 726 ships”) and I was good about it — except it was at my tournament performance’s expense and I crashed and burned like a magnificent mofo. I lost my first match in a single-elimination tournament.

This tournament was across the country from where I lived and it was expensive as all f#ck. It was a donkeypunch to my wallet, that’s for sure. I swore I would never let it happen again.


4. Women’s 9-Ball

I had previously committed to traveling with others for this tournament waaaay back during Stop 1 on the Tour of Insanity.

I had not been doing well in my tournaments and had only been hemorrhaging money with no transfusions at all. This was a local tournament and that was heartening. Expenses would be lower and I had historically done fairly well in this event. I usually made at least enough money to break even. I had worked hard on my game as much as I could within my budget and I was looking forward to doing well.

The players I would be staying and traveling with (RP1 and RP2) did not want to go down the night before (even though I offered to pay for the hotel for all of us). I was apprehensive about this since I always preferred to be at the tournament the night before when possible. But, I wasn’t the one driving so I acquiesced to their wishes and did not press the issue.

The three of us stayed out FAR too late. I had worked late at my job all week and had just taken the bus three hours to meet them at the pool room, I was SO F#CKING TIRED I could have died. However, the two players I would be staying with were nervous and wanted to practice so I was good about it and did my best to practice with them and offer them pointers. We did not sleep until well past 3:00 a.m.

We were up at 6-motherf#cking-30 a.m. I did not understand this. We did not need to be at the pool room until 12:00 noon and the drive to the pool room would only take an hour and a half, perhaps two hours at most. But, once again — I was good about it. Since they were doing me the favor of driving me down there, I was beholden to their schedule. We picked up RP3, another player at least as serious as myself, and the four of us drove through the rain to meet destiny. We arrived at 9:00 a.m. The pool room would not open until 11:00 a.m.

When the tournament started, I was falling down, limbs-shaking tired. I lost my first match 7-1, then lost a grueling second match, 7-6. I had never done so bad in this event but there is a first time for everything. My road partners were still in and so, I did the smartest thing I could ever have done — I went to a bar next door and proceeded to drink.

The drinks were cheap, the bartender was sympathetic, and there was a boxing machine that measured the force of your punch. RP3 soon joined me after being knocked out of the tournament and the two of us did our best to make the most out of a sh#tty situation via good conversation and alcohol. I was soon back to being able to tolerate the human race and I had the highest score on the punching machine. The lady that knocked me out of the tournament stopped by after being knocked out of the tournament herself. She is quite a bit taller than me and when she tried the boxing machine, she destroyed my high score.

Then, we got text messages from RP1 that basically said she was leaving with RP2 and going home. OMG! WTF? She had all of our things in her car! I had my wallet, but that was it. Clothes, cues, everything else — that was all in RP1’s car. She would not respond to our texts and I came to the realization that yes, RP3 and I would be stranded two hours away from home. In the rain.


I went over to the boxing machine, fed it a dollar, and swung. I regained the high score by an impressive margin.


In the end, RP3 and I got a ride to the hotel (which I had already paid for in advance) and decided we might as well sleep before finding a way back home the next day. We ran into RP1 and RP2 (who was fast asleep in the car). RP1 had decided not to leave us stranded. Hooray. More drama ensued throughout the night, but, f#ck it, I was tired and I was going to sleep. F#ck. It. All.

The next day, there a second-chance tournament (that I wisely did not play in). My RPs all played in it. There was more squabbling, more personal drama, and more retardedness. I tried, very hard, to be good about everything. I kept telling myself, this is the last time this will ever happen so just keep your cool and you’ll live to play another day. You’ll live to play another day. You’ll live to play another day. This will never happen again. You WILL live to play another day. Pool is not supposed to be this hard. You show up. You play. You go home. Never again. You’ll never travel with people who don’t care about pool the way you do ever again. This will never happen again. It will be better next time. It will be. It will be. It will be.



Was it?

Find out.

Same time, same channel — tomorrow.


do be do be doo

10 comments to butter, bread, & knowing better | 1

  • Brian in VA

    Dearest OMGWTF,
    I do think it may be time for you to learn how to drive and hit the road at your own pace, in your own time. A rental car and peace of mind are well worth the investment.

    But I’m no judge.

    Stay strong (and thirsty) my friend.


  • Op

    Yuck. That is all.

  • purpdrag

    I have some stories about riding with friends to parties back in my younger days. Sounds great right? There are just so many ways that can end badly so I said never again, never again, never again, and I didn’t … ever again.

  • LAMas

    I don’t even car pool to work to save money and avoid stress – even in this down economy.

  • Chuck

    I found that is like an algorithm, for each person added to any type of decision, especially travel, the factor of screwing up your plans go up by ten.

    • Adhesive Remover

      I agree. Every person is an unknown factor and each of their quirks is also an unknown factor.

      The person you know best is yourself. That makes you the best person to travel with you for when shit really counts. Especially when shit really counts.