She's totally fucking serious, dude!! S E R I O U S L Y | S E R I O U S | D I S C L A I M E R
This article is heavy on the APA (American Poolplayers Association) Skill Level technicalities and mumbo jumbo. If you do not play team eight-ball in the APA leagues, it probably won’t make any sense to you.


Yesterday night, my team completed the unfinished (due to massive amounts of douchehat Napolean-syndrome shenanigans by “Road Salt”) match from two weeks ago. In the previous match, Road Salt, a member of the opposing team, called me and my teammates various racist and sexist epithets. He was jonesing for the fight to go from verbal to physical and it very nearly did. However, we were warned the bar we were playing in (Road Salt’s home bar) had a clientele that often carried guns and at least one patron at the bar right then had a gun. So, we left. Winning is not as important as living.


The league board ruled that both teams were at fault and so, the match had to be completed at a neutral location under a board member’s watchful eye. Both teams agreed on yesterday night as the night to finish the match.

We would resume exactly where we had all left off: I had been playing Road Salt (SL5). I was spotting Road Salt two games on the wire to five per the handicap system, and had won the first game.

In addition to my match, we would need to play the last match as well. The overall team score was 2-1 in our favor.


Most of my team members showed up to this match, regardless of whether or not they were playing, for support. The opposing team only had two players show up and, most interestingly, Road Salt was NOT one of them. The two players that showed up for the opposing team were the captain (SL4) and a player (SL4) who had already played previously, meaning he was ineligible to play again. Huh.

The opposing team captain spoke to my captain and she relayed the information to us: Road Salt was not coming to play. I said that since my opponent was a no-show, we should automatically win my match by forfeit. My team captain agreed, but she wanted to show good faith and said we would be as accomodating as possible. We would offer them the opportunity to substitute another player, even though the match had already officially started. Needless to say, I was not amused, but I had faith in my captain.

The opposing team captain wanted to sub in the other player who was present, the aforementioned ineligible player, a SL4. This immediately raised my suspicions. Why? Because…

  • I would have to give MORE weight to this player than to Road Salt. This SL4 would only need to win TWO games where Road Salt had to win three.
  • I’d already watched this SL4 play and he played MUCH better than Road Salt (the South is currently experiencing floods — perhaps he should donate his sandbags where they are needed). I would be giving more weight to someone who actually played better.
  • For f—‘s sake, by the rules, he was ineligible to play! We were already doing them a favor offering them the opportunity to substitute a player and now, they wanted to rob us by suavely asking for even more concessions.

We might be nice, but we’re not stupid.

I told my captain they could substitute a player for Road Salt but ONLY if they played with the same handicap. As for the “recycling” of the ineligible player, I felt they should NOT be allowed this option, especially as he was a very highly underrated player. The other team captain said they were at a disadvantage because they only had two players show up, but I had no sympathy for this. It’s not OUR fault YOUR team doesn’t give enough of a shit to show up, is it?

This was the compromise we offered:

  • For my match, whoever they put up would only receive two games on the wire to five, regardless of their skill level. We would allow the captain twenty minutes try and call another player to come down to finish the match if he, or the other player present, did not want to play me.
  • If they wanted to “recycle” their sandbagging SL4, then he would play me, and only me (we had one more match after mine), and he would get two games on the wire, but NOT three.

I felt the opposing team was hoping we would allow them to recycle their trump card SL4 in one of two ways:

  • He would play me getting the three-game handicap.
  • He would play the last match, even, against our SL4.

In either of those two cases, he would have been the extremely heavy favorite to win. They argued that since I had won the first game, I already had an advantage and it was “only fair” I should allow him to play with the three-game handicap instead of two.

Seriously serious?

You morons.

We stuck to our guns and refused their request.


Instead of having their SL4 play me as an SL5 (or even playing me himself), the opposing team captain opted to forfeit my match, thereby giving us an automatic win. He then played our last player, an SL4 (same skill level as him, so they play even), and she beat him hill-hill, 3-2.

Our team won with a 4-1 victory.

The end.