whaargarbl [UPDATED]

ABP vs Barry Behrman

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July 6, 2011
“ABP Pro Players Not Attending the 2011 US Open 9-Ball Championship”

Barry, we’re not coming to your party in October. In fact, we’re never coming to any of your parties again. You always say you’ll have enough cake but you never do. We ask you to show us how much cake you’ll have before each party but you won’t let us see. Some of us have to walk to your party, you know, and some of us even have to get our parents to drop us off. If we have to go through all that trouble, there had better be cake.


July 7, 2011
“Statement From Barry Behrman and Shannon Berhman Paschall”

Even though I lost my newspaper route and I’m having a tough time selling lemonade these days, I’ve always put on lots of parties with lots of cake. Since, like, FOREVER. I LOVE PARTIES and I LOVE THROWING PARTIES FOR YOU with confetti and balloons and stuff! And everyone always gets their cake! There isn’t one person in the entire history of my parties that hasn’t got his cake. Sure, sometimes the cake is a few months old, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dust the mold off and eat it (just try not to starve to death before then).

And Johnny! I thought we was pals! How come you won’t take my calls? You know, some of your friends said they didn’t know you told me they weren’t coming to my party. I won’t say who, but they like cake.

~ Barry

July 12, 2011
“A Statement From Matchroom Sport”

I heard Barry saying we give out cake 30 days after the party is over.

I don’t do that.

If you’re to get a small slice of cake, you get the whole slice right then and there. If you’re to get a big slice of cake, I make sure you get that within five days while it’s still fresh. I don’t give out moldy cake because I throw bigger and more parties than Barry.

~ Luke

July 12, 2011
“US Open Negotiations – A Statement from Barry Behrman”

That was totally my bad, Luke. I guess I heard wrong. Still friends?

I talked to Dennis and it looks good! I’m totally sure everyone’s coming to my party and if they don’t, screw them, it’s more cake for me and the dog!

~ Barry

Well, it looks like we’ve hit the bottom of the popcorn barrel. Yawn. I’m going to guess that the ABP operates like a high-school group project. Very few will do the work, some will pretend to do stuff, more will sit around and do nothing. If the project is successful, then everyone benefits, even the ones that do nothing. If the project is unsuccessful, then things just go back to the way they were. I wonder if the few who work get tired of the many who don’t.


July 14, 2011
“Behrman and ABP at Impasse”

I offered the following to the ABP:

  • One quarter of the total amount of cake would be put in third-party’s fridge for safekeeping (no nibbling at the corners or swiping a taste of frosting!)
  • The rest of the cake would be available week of the party and everyone will receive their cake when it is cake time.
  • Some pieces of paper that give you permission to name your party “Barry’s Party” as collateral in case I don’t give out all the cake I’m supposed to at cake time.

By the way, Darren “Dazzler” Appleton is coming to my party even though the ABP said he wouldn’t. Nyah! Since the ABP gang is trying to ruin my party, I’m going to take back the free entry for past champions who are part of that gang and now they will have to pay the $500 cover charge to get in — same as everyone else. Nyah! I’m going to remind you again: everyone gets their cake and whether or not the cake is fresh or moldy, it’s still cake.


~ Barry

I’m busy so you get movie reviews this week. As always, your viewing recommendations are appreciated.


trebuchets!! Kingdom of Heaven – Director’s Cut (2006)
I first saw this movie in the theater in 2005 — actually, this may very well be the last movie I saw in a theater. When I watched it then, it was good (I like these kinds of movies) but I had the feeling the narrative was not complete. I recently watched the 2006 director’s version which added back 45 whole freaking minutes that had been cut from the original release. Hoo boy. SO MUCH better. Plotlines were explained more clearly and some previously thin characters had more depth which made the whole epic so much more… EPIC!
“One may stare into the light, until one becomes the light. I’ve done it many times.”
haa haaa haaaa Zombieland (2009)
Not gonna lie, I thought this move was going to be lame. I’m not one who is entertained by the zombie genre. It is not lame — it is actually very funny and I was highly entertained. Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg do the usual mismatched road trip buddies thing but didn’t make it trite. Emma Stone is pretty. Abigail Breslin is adorable-funny. The whole movie is a mix of cartoon, video game, and crazy campy zombie flick. Predictable plot but unpredictable execution makes it fun. Very quotable, and there are guns, guns, rollercoasters, twinkies, and other stuff I love.
“That’ll do, Pig.”
creeeepy Event Horizon (1997)
This is one of the first movies I rented after moving into my own apartment. I’m sure I’m somehow scarred for life since I watched this by myself at three in the morning. Nah — I was screwed up before then! Ha! Anyways, I loved this movie. It’s got plenty of psychological terror and PLENTY of gore (some of it so over-the-top you have to chuckle). Characters were a little flat and died off predictably one by one, but in fun icky ways. Best part of the movie is that it makes you wonder and do a lot of “what-iffing” afterwards, but then I am a bit of a space-science nut so perhaps you need to be one to fully enjoy the what-iffing.
“Whoever sent that message, he sure believes in Hell.”
meh Resident Evil (2002)
You can’t watch funny, intentionally campy zombie movies (Zombieland) before watching a zombie movie that takes itself seriously. Resident Evil‘s zombies made me laugh every time they were on screen — it was like they took them straight out of Michael Jackson’s Thriller with the jerky movements and all. Then, since unconvincing zombies weren’t enough, an additional super over-the-top CGI mutant monster was added. Uh, NO. Too much going on. I did like the plot device wherein Milla Jovovich’s character had amnesia and would get enlightening flashbacks as the movie went on. But that just means I should go watch Memento. Overall: Meh.
“I don’t deal in chance.”
Sequel? MAKE IT SO! Star Trek (2009)
I really didn’t expect to like this movie (especially since I had heard so much hype about it), but I did. I feel as though this entire movie was made mostly to explain the backgrounds of the characters a bit, show their personalities, and then assemble them as the crew on the Enterprise. This explanatory approach is needed since this is the beginning of a new film franchise, but they did a nice job melding each character’s introduction/explanation into the main plot. Casting was excellent as was the overall pace. Fun stuff and I look forward to the next one.
“Well, that’s brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?”