omgwtf @ work
& you thought only my billiards life was “interesting”
Recently, my work decided to contract the services of a large (they have worldwide offices) media company. As is my job, I read through the proposals and the contract. Everything seemed hunky-dory. We would use their services for a year and they would bill us in four equal quarterly installments. On the contract, “Fees for term” were shown to be $60,350 and under that, “Fees per invoice” were shown to be $15,088.
I’m quite lacking in the math department, but even I immediately saw that $15,088 x 4 does not equal $60,350.
It wasn’t a big deal, probably just a typo on their part. I needed further clarification on some of their terms and conditions anyways, so I figured I’d point out the discrepancy in the same email I was about to send to the “Business Solutions Manager” that was handling our account.
I sent an email with some questions about the terms and conditions and I asked to verify that there were four invoices and total cost. He replied with:
We will be charging $15,088 per invoice which totals $60,350 for the initial term which is a year.
Does that make sense?
Well, no. It doesn’t make sense. But maybe this “Business Solutions Manager” is just overlooking the erroneous addition. I had some other questions, and then included:
Since the total for the year is $60,350, then each quarterly invoice will be for $15,087.50, correct?
In his response email, he answered the other questions, but did not address my query about the erroneous addition. I sent another email specifically asking about the incorrect addition. He ignored that as well.
I called the f#cker.
“You’re billing in four, equal quarterly invoices, correct?”
“You DO know that four invoices of $15,088 DO NOT add up to $60,350, right?”
“They add up to $60,352, which is two dollars over the agreed amount.”
He blithely replied, “Oh, well, I’ll just tack on an additional two dollars to the section that says ‘Delivery’, then.”
“What? No. You can’t just arbitrarily add to the expense, even if it’s just two dollars. That wasn’t the agreed upon amount.” Although I was irritated with this dumbass f#cker, I was more interested in getting a solution. “Just change the amount listed on the contract to $15,087.50 for each invoice.”
“Oh, I can’t do that.”
“Our billing department doesn’t bill in decimals.”
This is an excellent time to insert Facepalm Gallery.
“Are you SERIOUS? IT DOESN’T BILL IN DECIMALS?! That’s ridiculous!”
“Well, uhm, I guess I could check, but I’ve only ever seen them bill in round numbers. You know, without the cents.”
More like without the sense. “That’s absolutely moronic. I have never heard of a business that ‘doesn’t bill in decimals’. For the amount we’re paying, your billing department WILL bill in decimals, I assure you.”
He tried to evade the question. “Oh. Well, here. I’ll just tack on the two dollars to the “Delivery” section. That’ll fix everything!”
“No.” This dude needs to be put on a rocket and shot into the sun. I could detect an endless spiral of asshattery fluttering about on the horizon so I decided to test something, “If you change that amount, you’ll have to go back and change every instance of the total in the proposal and the contract. It’s easier to just change the invoice amount since that only appears once, in the contract.”
“Oh, yeah. I guess you’re right. Okay then, I’ll just change it there!”
“So… You, uh, don’t have to check with the, uh, “Billing Department” to see if you’re ‘allowed to bill in decimals’ before you do that?”
He was silent, remembering what he had said before. F#cker has the memory of a goldfish. But a goldfish might be smarter.
“Oh. Um, haha. Yeah, I guess not. I, uh, can just do it and send you the revised contract…” He trailed off into silence.
“Think of better excuses if you’re going to be lazy.”
“And get a goddam calculator.”